2.01.2012

LOVE


Feb.1,2012


"Let love be your highest goal! But you should also desire special abilities the Spirit gives-especially the ability to prophesy." -1 Corinthians 14:1
"And you must love the LORD your God with all you heart, all your soul, and all your strength. And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today." - Deuteronomy 6:5-6
"For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me." -Matthew 25: 35-36
"Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends." -Proverbs 17:9
"Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other." -Romans 12:9-10
"Love does no wrong to others, so love fulfills the requirements of God's law." -Romans 13:10
"For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don't use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one and another in love." - Galatians 5:13
"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I sit here wondering why I do the things I do and think the way i think, sometimes. The random. The unorthodox. The crazy. The strange. The unconventional, eccentric, unusual, and weird. I sometimes feel so different or unloved on every level possible or not worth enough; carrying too much baggage to deserve another person's love. Just yesterday I endured a situation where as much as I was told I was beautiful and loved, I didn't feel it just from one single statement. I can't get it out of my head, the conversation keeps playing over and over. I heard those words and my heart was crushed all the way to it's core. Torn from the inside out, and scattered around on the floor like a glass ornament falling on the cold concrete from a limb of a fragile and broken evergreen. It wells up right in the middle of my chest choking and gasping for an air that feels so cold and callous that I can't move, not even a tiny bit, for fear of what feeling could possibly come after...

The feeling that comes after is unloved and completely unworthy of someone's love that I had given a piece of my heart to. It was a rejection, but not like most. It was hearing I love you, but not enough. It made my eyes burn when the tears came and my ears ring because I couldn't let anymore words in, to hurt or tear me down, any further down than where I was falling to at that moment.

I have tears well up to the edges of my eyes as I write this, but when they do I have an overwhelming feeling of love. I wasn't sure why but the night before last but, I read through an entire bible study on LOVE. It was supposed to be a month long study and for "some reason" I just decided to do it all at once. It wasn't by accident I read that study. It also wasn't by accident that the things that I was told came the day after I had read about a more than abundant, mighty, wonderful, powerful, Love like no other kind of love. A love that defines all love. A love that forgives, helps, restores, and gives. Gives so much that God sent his son to lay down his life to be able to give me and all of us hope in him. "There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends" -John 15:13 Jesus did that for every single person on this earth, including me. God is Love; I've always known that, but I have never felt it like I did yesterday.

I think a big part of knowing and feeling God's love, is having enough faith in him to let him reveal it to me, in his timing and Perfect will. I might be off in left field here, but it's how I think. It takes a lot to be vulnerable and to really truly put faith in God. I can say all day long that I have faith and I trust in Him. But when it comes down to the nitty gritty, how much faith and trust do I really put in him? It's a hard concept for me to grasp, but I am so thankful for the peace and love that he gives me when I do. Yesterday it was easy. I had been in the word just the night before reading His promises and truths about His love. But it isn't always so easy. It doesn't always happen that the night before He prepares me for exactly what I am going to go through the next day. With that said, I am so very thankful for the truth and promise of His love He showed me yesterday. I have felt God's love and seen His mighty works in my and others lives around me, but I have never felt it to the depth I felt it in that crushing moment yesterday. I knew that He had prepared me to hear the things I had to hear, more than that, needed to hear. And I knew He was right there with me holding my hand and guiding my heart through every second. It doesn't mean it wasn't crushing or extremely hard, but when you hear "You're not alone, the Holy Spirit walks with you," from fellow believers and brothers and sisters in Christ, I wouldn't say I ever doubt that, but I don't always put enough faith in the fact that He can be enough and Is enough. I don't hold that into account often enough and yesterday and today, I am just so very thankful for that lesson on faith, trust, and love.